and plant a million trees:
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * COLD
But I awoke cold.
The original, wordless image was public domain. I added the words at the suggestion of Shane Bateman. Saturday, July 31, 2010.
I had a dream last night. In this dream, I was playing guitar and singing gibberish, like I usually do.
And then, all of a sudden, God dropped a John Deere tractor on me. And He said "WILL YA STOP ALREADY?"
And I said "Mmpf."
And He said "Spread this throughout the whole land of cyberspace: No more high-pitched whining. NO MORE! I've had enough. Have a nice day."
And He waved His magic wand, and now I'm sitting at the computer, etc.
This guitar study is dedicated to my wonderful friend, mentor, and role model, Ken Fletcher, who is leaving it all behind for a resort island in Europe. I owe you a lot, Ken. Thank you.
The concept is called Fifty-Five Fiction.
It is a complete genre unto itself, and there exist a number of published collections as well as a web site devoted entirely to the genre. Each story must have 55 words -- no more, no less. So I decided to take up the challenge. Here's my Fifty-Five Fiction story:
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Lost in the blizzard and hunkered down, I would awaken periodically to howling blackness. But the warm coccoon of my Dad's tight embrace would comfort me.
So when, finally, my eyes opened to the glare of flashlights and the barking of bloodhounds, it was a horrible bittersweet.
Because I awoke saved.
But I awoke cold.
RANDY RAY SIDES
I've recently compiled twelve very short stories into a volume titled Twelve Tiny Twisted Tales. What it is is this: It is a volume of twelve tiny, twisted stories, which is another way of saying Twelve Tiny Twisted Tales, which, incidentally, is the name of the book. The reason I've entitled the book this way is this: It is titled this way because of this: The reason is: I've written the stories in such a way that they correspond to a firm belief of mine, which is as follows: I like to be brief and straight to the point. This is the reason the book is called Twelve Tiny Twisted Tales. And that's the reason.
Above you will see the cover and one of the stories. Please click on the image to enlarge it.
To order a book, please blow your alphorn and send a pigeon with $10 tied to its leg. You could have used the much less tedious method of emailing a request were I not paranoid and reluctant to give out my email address.
Once I have received your order, you may find your copy of the book in a corked bottle on the shore of Lake Superior. Shipping will take one to two years.
9. The lobotomy makes me fall down a lot
8. I look ten years older than everybody else
7. If they wouldn't let me come naked ten years ago, they probably won't this time, either
6. Concerned that my body guards and entourage will cause a scene
5. The last time I tried to escape from the asylum, I got beaten senseless
4. Afraid they'll find out my "40-room mansion" is really a boarding house
3. Still miffed about losing Student Council by one vote sophomore year
2. I just started my nineteenth job in 20 years; they won't let me take time off
So I took a piece of ham and a camera and I set the piece of ham
outside and I set up the camera to record to see what happened
and what happened was that after about 20 minutes a crow came
and flew off with the ham, and then about 10 minutes later a local
stray black cat that I feed all the time came by and apparently
smelled the ham and then it left and then nothing happened but
a few leaves fell in front of the camera so what I did was I did this I edited the recording to make it kind of look like the crow ate the ham and turned into the cat since they're both like the same color and all and then I added some graphics and stuff yep
7. My pet chimp hogs the computer
6. I ran away from home
5. Got confused and kept playing "Frogger" instead
4. Like a bird, I keep attacking my own reflection in the monitor
3. Spent three months memorizing pi to 400,000 decimal places for world record attempt; when Guinness showed up, could only remember "3.14"
2. When you jump off a water tower, the parachute doesn't have time to open
1. Forgot my password